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| Time: | 4:24 pm. |
| Mood: |  accomplished. |
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I do not regret one professional enemy I have made. Any actor who doesn't dare to make an enemy should get out of the business.
-Bette Davis, The Lonely Life, 1962
I do not require the simple courtesy of notice when adding me, though it would be appreciated still to exhibit a glimmer of good manners. I will ban_set at six weeks. It's an unfortunate necessity that stems from my anal retentive nature, you understand. Yoga does help.
( If you're unclear as to my purpose here )
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Comments: 6 comments -comment on this.
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Thursday, June 14th, 2007
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The sun outside is partially veiled by a cloudy skyline that shows no interest in moving along. The sporadic pitter patter of rain upon the porch roof serves as an instrument to lull me away into my own thoughts. For hours without end, I can often become so trapped in my own mind that it feels like a cage without a door and bars that reach as high and far as my eyes can see. It's where I live and the space in which I occupy most of my time in. Marriage is not the trap that I walked willingly into. No, it is my own mind and sense of self that has become a one time security blanket and doubles as a box now that I think of it more. I ask not where will I be in ten years, as some do. Instead, I ponder who will love me in ten years. Age has touched me gracefully and the lines on my face are not as clear in the light of day, which I am thankful. Despite what Sarah said in a sweet comment, I do watch what I eat or I would have to resort to accepting a role on Celebrity Fit Club with my deep love for decadent chocolates, tarts and chunks of homemade fudge so sweet that my toes curl at the very first taste. It does not change the inescapable fact that I am embarking on my forty-fourth year in this world and in a world based on superficial details and a constant craving for youth, I cannot resist this feeling of possessing a shelf life and possibly having chosen stability over passion.
What is it that I miss in this routine that we have painted over ourselves in safe colors? I envy those with the freedom to exercise their deepest passions without fear of loss. Granted, I know that I would not "lose" what I have taken upon myself. Yet I feel that burning coal in my belly, telling me that I would find myself lost in it most certainly. Passion is beautiful. It is exciting. It is not always fleeting and with the same breath, it can vanish from your sight. Routine is something that I once took comfort in, knowing always where I would be from one hour to the next and feeling some assuredness in knowing that once the clock struck midnight, the world would become mine and only mine again once Ken slipped off to bed and I chose a more tranquil setting for myself. It is not a cage, marriage. It is not a prison sentence, no. It is an agreement and one that I accepted, knowing what would come of us, he and I. The thought does not escape me, however, that when midnight strikes and I am alone, there could be so much more for me.
Vancouver is my haven from questions, answers I choose to not acknowledge and time to be Jennifer and not the wife with responsibilities. I have a nanny to care for my daughter when the set calls and should I wish to escape the sensible approach to living my life. Free will thrives deep within me and I will exercise it, but fear prompts me to pause. I need not to overanalyze and allow the tide to sweep me away.
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I apologize for the cluttering of your friends pages for this brief message. After much biting of the edge of my bottom lip, I have decided upon an AIM name. Please feel free to message me at bon vivant beals when you see me on. Leave me your names in a comment and I will add you promptly.
I hope you have all had a relaxing weekend thus far.
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Comments: 62 comments -comment on this.
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I pay very little regard...to what any young person says on the subject of marriage. If they profess a disinclination for it, I only set it down that they have not yet seen the right person.
-Jane Austen, Mansfield Park
The misconception that marriage is a crippled, feeble, dying institution has yet to impede upon my household or my family. In the throes of my second marriage with one beautiful daughter and two delightful step-children to speak for, whom I share credit with my husband, Ken. In many ways, my first love was Alexandre, but as life tends to be a winding path, rather than a straight lane, it was not meant to be. As we approach this, our ninth year, together, and await our daughter's second birthday to arrive in October, I can report that marriage is not an archaic institution devised to castrate a man or degrade a woman. If it is based solely on love and respect, it is truly a fruitful garden of endless hope, joy and possibilities.
It was in Vancouver that I stood our first trial, as man and wife. The hours bleed into themselves when I am on set, rehearsing and bringing to life a woman who is somewhat like myself and in other ways, one who I never wish to be. Bette is manipulative and domineering, where I am soft-spoken and I believe more compassionate. Bette, let's be honest please, is driven by a need to control those around her, as well as each component of her life. I hope to avoid that trait, if there were one I must choose to disassociate myself from. The media whispers to our legions of supporters that I am more akin to Bette than I wish to admit and perhaps, they are true. However, have they lived my life? No. I strive to distance my heart from what is considered business and though I adore the ladies that I have been honored to work with for several seasons now, I refuse to be a statistic in the entertainment industry. A woman who is taken advantage of, simply for the lack of genitalia and not given credence for accomplishments made. Dignity is a quality that I prize and if it garnishes me the title of The L Word Bitch, so be it. Those close to me will snicker along with me at that statement.
I'm filled with excitement at the prospect of another season of twists, turns and dramatic surprises. The departure date is close at hand and I have been assured that my family will be close at hand to join with me in celebrating the highs, as well as weathering the lows that are part of television. Is it any wonder that I have the largest trailer on the set? I have three children to entertain. I need my personal space for yoga. Primarily, I lived through Flashdance and The Bride to stand where I am today. Naturally, I am open to visits and renting out my lavish amenities should someone wish more room. Really. Sting mastered the art of tantric sex and is it too much as ask for a tinge bigger trailer to make up for that monstrosity of a picture when he most clearly got the enviable benefit from it. Do not misunderstand. I had no hand in his quest for tantric enlightenment and it had very little to do with The Bride, I assure you. I would like to keep my trailer and not have to wrestle the others for it, so it is the easiest excuse to use.
I'm somewhat of a shrinking violet, if you can believe that. I adore photography and like my character in The Anniversary Party, I have been known to snap friends and pass the photo off to them without charge. I'd very much enjoy continuing to do that, provided I have willing models.
Something you might not have known about me. My first husband cast me once as a transvestite in the film Sons.
Who wants to pick out my Aim name for me?
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bealsj's journal
content.
calm.